remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
even my farts smell like vagina
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
