New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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