Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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