Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
She bit a glass in half.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
