I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
