I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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