Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
well you can't waste a boner
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
