My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
