We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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