woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You made out with two different species that night
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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