I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
