guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize