you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
My dick has a subreddit
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
