I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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