Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
