thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
