We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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