theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
