We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
