Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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