i need an iv and a liver transplant
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
We are all done wearing pants today
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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