I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
