She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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