so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
