anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
