It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
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