nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
