Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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