i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
