I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
