mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
