Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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