Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
It's shark week go big or go home
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
