i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
