Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
