There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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