I'm gonna have a badass scar
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
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