i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
