sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
