Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
