it's too hot outside to masturbate.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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