I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You're like the curious george of whores
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
