I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Fuck appropriateness.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
