her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
