I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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