i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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