I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
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