you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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