I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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