He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
