I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
We got so high we made milksteak
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
