I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
