I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize