I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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