Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize