oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
