I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
