After last night, I could never be a politician.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
