I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Randomize