Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
