she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
