Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Randomize
