I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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