After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
