What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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