new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
