just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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