so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
