Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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