I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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