The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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