Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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