Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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